its the start of a whole new yr....

one that i'm kinda dreading...

though the hols tis time is extremely short...but yet in a way i felt its extremely fruitful...met up ppl whom are extremely close to my heart...emptied myself...and felt pretty hollow...vacant..pretty much like a shell..

at least...its not so bad now...it doesnt hurt as much..the sharp searing pain is pretty much replaced by a droning ache that sometimes surface when the name is mentioned or familiar scenes are played out...

an interesting topic came up today...

i realli miss the feeling of "A Best Fren"...u noe.. one that u tell everything to...one that u spend all ur free time with...one that can understand wat is not being said...one that is always there when u fall/turn..one that listens and says the right thing at the right moment...one u can always rely on...one that will never turn the back on u..one that doesnt hurt u with intention using either actions or words..one u can confide all ur deepest fears with the fear of being badmouthed...

n a compliment which i thought was rare...

i'm actually admired for my strenght in dealing with all the crap that has been happening these couple of years...and the optimism i still have and the lack of guardness even when dealing with ppl...despite all that has happened...

i never thought of it in that way...

i guess its not realli fair to others...jus because of previous experiences in life..i become bitter abt ppl in general and view everything with skeptism...
it will b a lie..
if i said i'm not the least bothered or affected...
...if i was not hurt by wat was said...
......that the thought that someone i trusted...did that in that manner.....
............if i say that i can sweep it all under the rug and move on with life...
................if there are no more emotional baggages

the entire journey was difficult...with many cases of turbulences within the short span of yrs...n yet i never did give up cuz i always felt there might b something left to salvage...i'm so tired..of giving chances..of making excuses...now that this has happened...it realli opened my eyes...sometimes things/situations...and ppl are not as simple as they seem..

i did quite a bit of thinkin...how should we go fr here...wat could be done..then it struck mi..the futility of it...
and i decided to b selfish...i'm sorry i cant do this anymore..if this continues..i might face a mental breakdown soon..its not so much that this event alone caused it..but more of an accumulation of evrything that has happened throughout my life..

i'm so overwhelmed by eveything...that sometimes its way easier to pretend it doesnt exist
i have no clue why does it happen time and time again...wat is handed out on a silver platter always comes back in shreads...pieces that will always remain torn and cant b fixed back

to those that have been there in times like this...i realli do appreciate it..
and i'm sorrie i jus suddenly went offline...cuz i needed time to compose myself..
i dunno even noe how to describe the inner turmoil within mi...

i do noe that i'm sad and sorrie that things have to end this way...
maybe it will be better for all...
i'm already anticipating that some might avoid mi...cuz of the awkwardness this entry might cause or wateva reasons one might have...
i jus want to say...
its ok...i understand..u dun have to feel bad...

no more drama...its extremely exhausting...i jus wan to lead a simple life...its only six more bloody weeks...



an oxymoron

i carve for solitude and yet in many instances i do fear it...mayb i realli should take up yoga..so that my mind,soul and body can b one...and heal the ravaged pieces..

i'm so terrified of bursting out in public..where the flow of tears just come rolling down my cheeks..soaking tissues that are franatically whipped out...it happened before..n i'm b damned to let it happen again..maybe thats the reason...there's no sense of release or closure..cuz i'm wound up so tight...refusing to let myself any leeway to feel..

jus realised that my entry seems pretty long..have no idea whether is it even coherent..or does it make any sense..but heck la...not goin to edit it!

~long periods of time is always a great time to test out hypothetical theories to prove whether one's claims are valid and supported with evidence....~

Florence