i realli enjoyed fri nite with the gals!! it was fun being able to b myself..totally free n loose feeling...a diff kind of silly high!time flew so fast i didnt even realise we spent so many hrs together cuz honestly felt like a couple of mins!!

i did something real stupid in class today..i thought that i could control evrythin..i thought that by not speaking much..by being the usual laughing self..it will all b ok..but i guess not..a fren of mine suggested i should see a profession cuz apparently i dun talk much of my issues to others..resulting in repression of feelings..n i'm lucky i havent suffered fr a nervous breakdown..

WARNING: pls dun read the following if it is to b assumed i'm refering or purposely pointing at anyone/thing in particular...

i jus wan to get rid of the burden i'm carryin...

i'm jus so freakin tired of evrything...

there again might not b a wise move to type stuff that r close to my heart here...


i'm a sucker for whismical notions: be it destiny, fate, romance, fallin in luv at sight...yup all the cliches in the entire world... i met someone along the way which i happened to have met a couple of times..in the oddest places n yrs too...sometimes i wonder is it cuz i have lost focus of the bigger picture..cuz i'm too obsessive noting for the nitty gritty details..i started giving up a lot of other priorities n along the way i got caught up with only the vision of a particular in mind..i lost focus on stuff tt would mean a lot to mi..cuz i truely thought it was all worth it.. but's a roller coaster ride..ups n downs...the breaking pt came during the hols...i never knew anything was up cuz mayb it was not in habit to communicate/update the other party wat was goin on...but there again who the hell i thought i was?!..all i knew was ..i kept asking repeatedly whether we should catch up during the hols...n the ans was usually no..or cant make it..but what i couldnt stand the most at that time there was seldom a reason/an explaination..i was left in the dark wat exactly was happening till sch reopened...the next hols..things were slightly better..we decided we should learn how to communicate better..when things got so so bad...the next hols i tried askin u out..but i tink something cropped up..so it was abt the same..jus that tis time at least i knew the reason...along the way i got realli realli tired..tired of askin..tired of answering..tired of evrything in general...mayb tis was when it started..i started to harden my heart..cuz honestly i felt like a bloody fool..countless rejection n ...yet i went back for more..kinda silly i noe..from that time i told myself i wont b such an idiot to keep doing this to myself..i got very disillustional...it didnt help that matters at hm were real bad..grandmother came..tension in the house all the time..arguments with parents..i suddenly felt i couldnt turn to anyone..i started having weird thoughts..dreams.. evrythin...

life became weird..not much of a meaning anywayz..i decided to keep away fr ppl..n mayb thats when my coping mechanism came in..i was normal n happy in front of others...but only the closest knew something was up..laughing n crying mingled..singin n screamin merged..distrust n anger twined..kinda funny actually...i made up my mind that mayb if i wasnt that close to the very person that hurt mi the most.. i would b safe..sheltered..which was one of the reasons i didnt realli meet up during the hols..cuz in my own twisted n perserve set of thinking..i wanted u to at least feel the pain n confusion i felt..i noe its damn stupid..but at that time it made sense..so i tried to b indifferent..i guess i failed..i would b lying if i said i didnt hv a soft spot..

i'm like a damn bloody open book..ppl jus see my face n espressions n they get a rough idea how i feel..in my own naviety i assumed that evryone would b the same..i found out the hard way..that its not true at all..i respect tt evryone is diff..but sometimes its jus damn exhausting to adapt to changes u never noe r blowing ur way..i cant tap dance for nuts..n yet i've been doing that for the longest time..it took a damn bloody big round for mi to see wat i should have seen from the start...years too late..mayb cuz we are so diff in many ways n yet i was drawn to the similarity tt i lost sight of a lot of other stuff..i noe that its impossible for one to change cuz its just who they are that makes that so unique..i like to noe wats goin on with ppl's life..not so jus to b fringe part of their lives..but a sold formation..mayb thats y it irk mi so much cuz we are so diff in tis sense.. and i guess its true that i'm the type tt i would like ppl to show that they rem n care with jus by askin how are things goin on.. simple words like that realli make my day..i dun go ard blabbering wat's botherin mi cuz i belong to the sch of thinkin tt "its no pt making someone else worry for u cuz nothing much can b done"..sometimes at the end of a fucked up day...i jus want to bitch n bitch non-stop with someone that understands my frustration, talks my lingo..not give mi advice...seriously i jus need to let it all out of my system..

manz in this post i'm realli trying to b as transparent as i can..so technically i'm worse than an open bk..not an inch of suspense to myself anyone..damn!!actually did i mention i dun exactly like implied or hidden meaning..i hate guessing n i dun tink its a suspense cuz i like things to b upfront n open..n yet there r times i find myself in situations which doesnt warrant mi the ability to do so.. in fact i tink i realli typed way too much...

if u the reader actually read thru this amt of nonsensical crap..i got nothing to say exp kudos for ur pesistance!!

~its gettin late cant believe i spend more than an hr typin tis entry!~

~i amaze myslf sometimes~

Florence