~i wan to swim...~

I have been wanting to blog or talk abt it for the longest time..mayb its because i could never find the right words to describe how i feel..or the inability to translate it aptly into words..cuz it jus doesnt seem to b able to capture how exactly i feel..but i tink its only fair tt u should noe..cuz it is true tt one wouldnt b able to guess the thoughts of others

sometimes i wonder n i curse..whether is it my hyper senstivity or is it wat i see or feel the main problem..others jus dun see it...from my pt of view..dun one realise wat others see..or is cuz of my stupidty to dwell too much on nothingness...as others jus brush it aside....i once said that i feared the reopenin of sch cuz it would spell a ceratin amt of uneasiness...in the sense of frenships...no matter how much u try to fit in n mingle..there is always somethin missin..aloof...thats wat i feel..u mean dun u tink we r drifting away?..i sense it and felt it in my bones eversince a couple of weeks in sch started..in fact i tink wat someone else said is right to a certain extent..honestly to others it would not even seem we r even close as frens cuz of the fact we simply dun communicate much in sch..do u noe how weird it feels when one adopts a third person perspective to jus obseve the ongoings..n realise how meaningless n worthless one's existence has been...

obviously i havent been talkin or articulatingly wat i feel...cuz simmply i dun wan to...for the fear of saying something hurtful n feelin guilty for even tinkin tis way..but do u noe tt not even i feel tis way but others too..which actually means it has to b pretty darn obvious for others to comment..n its not tt i'm grumpy or intentionally pull long face whenever i see u...but its rather how can u expect mi to always have a spastic smiley face each time ba when i start tinkin abt wat's goin on...in fact i still find it hard to believe u dunno wat is goin on..

its all so true when one is in a reflective mode tt anything n everything abt wat has been said by others suddenly make sense..i onece had a conversation with tis fren of mine..on how there were some ppl who changes when they get attached...its jus a matter on how drastic or subtle it was..its not tt i dun feel happie when i see them being in bliss...but honestly i wish sometimes..jus sometimes tt i'm not 2nd, 3rd or even in the last place..when times r bad...come runnin to seek solace..yet when times r good..i dun even see the shadow at all.. how do u all expect mi to react...cuz i assure one the feelin n knowledge of tt ...seriously sux pretty much big time..do u noe ppl tt i never expected to b concerned for my state of well-being asked mi how i was..tt ws itself enough for mi..tt is how easy i am to b made happy..ppl said tt one should not start counting how much they give in or do for others..cux its supposed to b a twoway thingy n all..ya i do believe in it...yet i jus dun get it..how come it is evrytime i seem to give in so much for others..n yet it never seems enough..being a sponge is indeed tiring..being strong is exhausting..being at the shadows is drainin..y is it only when i;m at the nadirs then only ppl realise isnt it a bit goddamn late...y is it always ppl askin "y didnt u tell mi wat was goin on?!" y is only when trouble suffices then the compulsive need to mend is there?!y is it the stupid phrase" i'll b there for u when u need u" sounds like utter bullshit n crap cuz y say all these when it wont happen..i honestly have nothing to say..jus feel so darn drained..wat else is there left to say?!..the feelings of despondense n idoticy is present..n i tink i muz b a fool to b affected so much when it doesnt seem to b imp..yupz...its not imp...its never imp...n i will continue to b the nice aunt agony who is a listening ear for others..tt's wat i do best...

~adious~

Florence