its so weird suddenly the urge to blog abt wat then i'm still not too sure..but one thing i noe thet flo is a gal's gal..rather than a healthy mix of both but oh well..i have to learn to accept it anywayz..was so pissed off on sat cuz of the attitude of guys..actually have no idea y i was so so angry?1..hmm..boilin mad would b a more accurate description lorxz..cuz i dun any of them but i tink wat dissed mi most was that i was tr4eated invisible while they were chattin to a gal they were interested in!..that was wat was so infuratatin cuz i mean at least have the decency to make evryone comfy before u single out ppl la!! where r ur manners?!!

okies i shall stop ranting but imagine i was so heated that i was cursing all the way when i was walking back from the park to the mrt station..ya..that was how angry i was..

yest went to the gym..which is an activity that i havent done in a long long while..the funny thing was there were quite a number of guys both in the pool n gym lorz..some plain showoffs while some were serious in working out la..not realli anyone droolworthy though.. haha went with mariam to the guy n boy did we worked out haha or least we did make a pretty decent attempt la..but now my body is practically screaming out in protest n muscles n achin like siao!!but on a lighter note i have grown taller...yes amazin but true..so i'm officially 174.5cm..fab isnt it no wonder my mum was commentin i seemed taller..but wat is sadder is i'm freakin heavier...which is not good at all!!

down right upsetting that i cant seem to lose all the weight i want to shed..i saw a programme last nite..not on purpose la..since i have the habit of flickin channels wheneva the show is too slow-paced or during ads..tis woman actually donned on a fat suit n i mean realli big fat suit..to understand the psyche of ppl who r BiG..i cant believe she actually said "i dont understand how ppl can fool themselves to tink they r happy when they r deprived of so many things...n all these fats they r jus so useless ..they dun serve any purpose at all"... shockin but it did make sense..i tink she voiced out wat i never did dare to say aloud...

i havent been happy with myself for the longest time when did it start i honestly dunno..mayb it was from my sec sch days or wat..i'm not too sure..mayb its a fact that i'm a critical person n my harshest critic is myself..i have been hard on myself n i will always b cuz i seem to b in constant lookin out for the smallest flaws which is magnified wheneva i see myself.. i tink that my character n personality is my saving grace..which falls short of making up for wat i am physically.. tis would explain my constant whining..its not that i do it intentionally but i honestly dun see the gal who has "pretty eyes n nose "or "someone with nice features" i do not see all of this at all...i used to suffer from that medical condition where i see distortion in my body its specific term was anorexia...i didnt even noe i had it till i was older..i hated myself so much my life at that time...i felt the only thing i could control was wat i ate n how i will look..n yes the teasing didnt help a bit...there are times when i hate myself n yet i've grown to try to accept myself for wat i am..i will always b taller n bigger size than most gals on tis island that is a FaCt that i cant deny..

it's amazing that i'm actually typin all these out cuz i never did want anyone to noe..apart from ceratin close frens that i tell...mayb i'm still struggling hard n learnin how to love myself n b comfortable with wat i am..its difficult to accept sometimes glaring truths..in fact i jus barred my heart n soul in tis entry..which is not a very wise thing to do..will my frens look at mi differently when they come to know of tis..i have to take a couple of yrs to get over it..n sometimes it surges back..something so strong n powerful cuz i'm practically immeresed in seein ppl who r slim n pretty ..ok mayb not that pretty la..all the time..i'm so tired...i feel that way again..of being helpless at my lack of determination..of saying i will do something abt it...but i never did...which is y the trip to the gym is a big startin step..i need to learn how to feel good abt myself not jus for my sake but for the ppl ard mi...i noe how sometimes they try to make mi feel better by tellin mi positive remarks..but i jus dun see it cuz all i see ia warped..

whoa jus realised tis is one of the longest entry in a long while...i dunno what i hope to accomplish by sayin all the stuff that i always kept within myself..but at least i jus wat u all to understand it not that i'm fishin for more compliments when someone praises mi cuz i always turn them down flately..it jus so happens i'm like that ba..okies okies..i realli should stop talkin more before one of u realli tinks that flo has totally lost her marbles..n for info i have not la..yupz so tis is the deep secret n wound that i hv been hiding from evryone..someone once said that " i appear to be happy go lucky n bubbly but yet there was something in eyes that is reserved as if i'm keepin a mask to hide something'..well i guess its true to a certain extent ba..
~barin my innermost secret~

Florence